


Journey...

by sugdenmillerxo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6894355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdenmillerxo/pseuds/sugdenmillerxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a year and 2 months since Robert Sugden has passed away, Aaron can't cope without him, he decided to take drastic action and takes matters into his own hands, but is soon interrupted by a familiar face....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Journey...

In life, you’re faced with challenges and you have to face them, whether you’re scared to or not, it’s just the way life goes. It’s easy when you’re with someone, because they’ve got your back, they’ll support you, they’ll hold your hand, they’ll love you when you feel like it’s not possible, they’ll make you feel strong enough to do anything, to take on the world. They’ll tell you you’re the most important human and that nobody compares, and you’ll believe it because they make you feel that way and when you’re with them, nothing and no one can hurt you, but then what if, one day, the challenge you have to face is losing that person, the one who made you feel all that? The person who gave you a reason for living, without them giving you that anymore, you’ll feel alone, like you can’t do anything, and the only thing you want to do is be back with them, no matter the costs. 

1 year and 2 months prior to this day, Robert Sugden passed away. He lost his battle with cancer and it broke Aaron more than anyone expected, he went back to self-harming, running himself to the ground, crying himself to sleep and crying when he woke up. He left his job at the scrapyard because it was too much of a reminder of Robert, nobody ever thought losing Robert would cause so much hurt and pain in just one person but it did, more than Aaron wanted to admit, Aaron wasn’t going to be able to last much longer if he kept up the way he was going, but maybe that’s what he was trying to do. People could see Aaron destroying himself and whenever someone wanted to bring up the topic with Aaron, he just didn’t want to hear it, he knew what he was doing but none of those people knew what he was feeling, so they wouldn’t get it and he couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t deal with someone trying to tell him what he should be doing or how he should be acting when none of them really understand it.

The sun rose and Aaron just stared blankly at the ceiling, observing the swirling patterns that he’d looked at before bed every night.

“Morning sweetheart, want some breakfast?” Chas said, opening Aarons bedroom door just enough to poke her head round, Aaron rolled over so his whole body faced the window. 

Chas looked at the ground, she wanted to cry but she’d cried for him so much the last few days there was an unlikely chance she’d be able to get any tears out. “Well, I’ll be downstairs if you want anything. I love you, Aaron.”

Chas started making tea when a very tired, messy haired Liv entered the room. 

“Morning, Can I have a cup of tea please?” She said, sitting down at the table, rubbing her eyes with her dressing gown.

“Of course, love. Have you spoken to Aaron recently?” Chas asked.

“Nope. Well, I said goodnight to him last night and he gave me a hug, but other than that I’ve been at school or he’s been, I don’t even know but he hasn’t really spoken to me.”

“Alright, if he says anything to you, let me know please?” 

“Erm, alright. Thanks” Liv replied, taking her tea from Chas’ grip, she frowned at Chas for a second before shaking her head and pouring herself a bowl of cereal.

Back in Aaron’s room, where he’d just got out of bed, he walked over to his wardrobe, slow and droopy as if he was sleepwalking, like he didn’t know what he was doing. He took out a black short sleeved shirt, black jeans and a hoodie, and finished his outfit with mismatch socks. He sat on his bed and picked up his phone, he wanted to check the time but instead, he focused on his lock screen. A beautiful, happy, un-dead Robert Sugden. 

“I miss you, so much.” He said, so quietly it was as if the words never formed or never came out of his mouth.

Aaron walked down the stairs and put his shoes on.

“Aaron, is that you love?” Chas said, running from the kitchen to the bottom of the stairs. 

“Yeah, I’m going out for a walk.” 

“Alright, what time will you be back?”

“I don’t know, don’t wait up.” 

“Alright, see you later.” 

“Bye, Mum.” Aaron turned around real quick and hugged Chas. 

“Cheerio, Hero.” Liv said, smiling at Aaron.

Aaron walked over to Liv and placed a kiss on her forehead. “You’re my best mate, Liv. Love ya.” 

“Love you too, Aaron.” 

Aaron looked back at Chas, and Liv one last time, before leaving his home. Aaron got in his car and placed his head on his steering wheel and began to sob. He cried for what felt like forever, he just cried and cried, he knew he wouldn’t be coming home. As painful and scary as it was to admit, he wasn’t. He couldn’t. Aaron rubbed his eyes and wiped away all the tears currently on his face, leaving the flood of tears to form in his eyes because, surely. He’d be needing those, he blinked and one more tear fell, he looked at himself in the rear view mirror and just stared, blankly. 

“You gonna drive then?” A voice said, from the passenger seat. Aaron jumped, and panicked because sat next to him, was the most attractive, kind, and loving person he’d ever known, someone he’d thought he’d never ever see him again. 

“What? How? I thought. You’re supposed to be…”

“Dead?” Aaron nodded. “I am, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come back and see you, does it. This is what they don’t tell you about when you die, when the one you love and loves you, needs you the most, you can appear to them, and help them. So here I am.” 

“I never thought I’d hear you say you loved me ever again.” Aaron said, Robert smiled at him, no words, just a smile. A smile strong enough to let Aaron know he wasn’t lying, he loved him. “but I feel like I’m going crazy, is this just one of my dreams that I’m going to wake up from and I’m going to have to be without you again? because I can’t keep doing that Robert? I can’t. It’s killing me, I hate it. I just want to die, I hurt so much without you, I’m so weak, I feel like I’m nothing, I feel useless, you gave me so much to live for and I know I told you I’d make you proud and I definitely haven’t done that because I’ve just spent the last few months doing everything I didn’t want to and you probably hate me.” 

“I’m going to stop you right there, Aaron. You make me so proud, and you have never been without me. When you passed out in the forest, who do you think kept you safe long enough to survive? When you were cutting and you were about to die from blood poisoning, how do you think Chas discovered the blades and the bloody jumper. It was me, I have always been here, I can’t stop you from doing anything but I promise you I can help you, and I did. In all the ways I could, I even looked out for Liv. She’s cried over me a few times which is odd, I watched her one day, with Gabby. She had alcohol.” Aaron turned his head and looked at Robert with wide eyes. “Don’t worry, a mysterious gush of wind soon sent that flying.” Aaron laughed to himself. “But more people hurt than just you Aaron, more people could have helped you get through me dying, and I know you say that no one is going through the same pain as you, but no one is going through the same pain as anyone when someone they love dies. Are you going to want Chas to abandon Liv when you die? Because the pain Chas is going through is a lot worse than what Liv is going through or the other way round?” Aaron shook his head. 

“I thought you were supposed to be helping me? Not making me feel worse than I already do.” 

“I am helping you, I don’t want you to die. I’m trying to make you feel like dying is the last option, I mean, I want you with me more than anything but at the same time, I want you to live the life you deserve and that life isn’t killing yourself. You are so much more than that.” Aaron let the tears fall and Robert, using his mysterious ghost powers, got the engine to start. 

“What are you doing?” Aaron said, choking through his tears.

“I’m turning the engine on, so you can drive.” Robert said, so sarcastic because it was pretty obvious was he had just done.

“No, I mean, Why? I’ll just do it by myself.” Aaron said.

“Well, you’re not getting far on your own, are you?” Robert said, looking at Aaron, dead in the eyes. Aaron just looked back and admired Roberts eyes. They were his favourite things about Robert. Every day they gave him so much hope, it was refreshing to look into Roberts eyes and see just how much someone could love another human. There was so much love in just one glance that Aaron felt safe. 

Aaron put his foot on the accelerator and began to drive, he didn’t know where he’d end up, but to him. It didn’t matter, he had Robert beside him. Well, the ghost version of Robert, and although Aaron couldn’t hug him, or kiss him or even touch him, it didn’t matter because he could see him. He could hear him and he knew that Robert was nearby, he knew that Robert was there to help him. 

“Stop the car.” Robert said. Aaron came to a stop and looked at Robert.

“Why have we stopped here?” Aaron replied, leaning back in his seat.

“Look. Remember what happened here?” 

Aaron leant forward and recognised where they were straight away, the trees, the green grass, the quiet road that people barely ever drove down. It was so quiet this early in the morning, the sun was just rising and the yellow buttercups had never been more beautiful. Aaron walked over to one and picked it. 

“These weren’t out, or they hadn’t grown when we were here, had they?” Aaron said, looking at the 100s of brightly coloured flowers scattered across the grass. 

“Nope. The grass wasn’t as beautiful as this when we were here, this whole place didn’t look this beautiful when we were both here, but what happened that day, was. Something incredible started that day, Aaron. Something full of secrets, but it had never been so out in the open. Something so wrong, but nothing ever felt so right. Something so bad but no one and nothing ever made us feel so good. Something started that finally scared me, I was too scared to admit that it was what I wanted, because it was with you, a guy and I never wanted to admit that, I was too scared to admit that I wanted you and everything you had to offer.”

Aaron sighed and looked at Robert. “I wish you could have said all that to me back then, and you could have accepted it sooner. We’d have had an even longer, & an even more beautiful life together but I mean, even if I only had one day with you, it would have been enough.”

Robert walked over to Aaron and placed a hand on his face. Aaron startled because he could feel something, something so strange, like a permanent gush of wind was just blowing on his cheek for the whole duration Roberts hand was there and even though everything about Robert was so cold, Aaron had never felt so warm. 

Aaron had shut his eyes because he felt so safe, just by feeling the touch of Roberts hand. Robert pulled his hand away and waited until Aaron opened his eyes, he didn’t move. He wanted to stay there until Aaron had opened his eyes, to make sure Aaron didn’t think he’d gone anywhere. When Aaron finally opened his eyes, Robert moved so angelically and headed for the car.

“We’ve got so many more places to visit, come on.” Aaron smiled, forgetting that Robert wasn’t actually a real person, and to anyone else he would have been smiling at thin air but in Aarons eyes, Robert will always be a real person, he’ll be his person.

Aaron got back into the car and turned the ignition on. “Where to next?” He said. 

“It’s up to you, I’m with you on this journey.” 

Aarons next stop was an unusual one, they were both more shocked than they thought, Aaron had pulled up outside the gates of Home Farm. He got out the car and sat on the bonnet and just watched. The birds tweeting in the trees, the sprinklers watering the grass, the squirrels and the way they ran up the trees on the lawn. 

“What made you come here?” Robert asked, looking through the gates. 

“I, I don’t know. I guess it reminds me of you.” Aaron replied, wiping a tear from his cheek with his jumper sleeve. “Of us. The week I spent here was really something special, I mean we just cuddled on the sofa, ordered in pizza, watched all the movies we could think of and we went to bed and woke up together. It was like we were a real couple, it was everything I ever wanted with someone, we laughed so much. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard at anyone before, I’ve always put it on or forced it to make everyone feel better, but that week, when it was just us, no one watching us, no one interrupting us and no one to judge us, I really smiled & I still smile thinking about it.” 

“Well, maybe you should think about it more often, if it makes you smile. You know, a smile can give you some hope, some belief that everything’s going to be okay. I wanted you to feel that way when you were with me, which is why it was so hard when I knew I wasn’t going to be with you forever, I knew I wasn’t going to always be there to make you feel that way.” Robert replied. He was emotional himself, seeing his old home, the place he put so much into again, was really emotional for him. He never thought he’d be back from the dead, let alone back where he spent most of his life, where he made his money. 

“I love you, Robert.” Aaron blurted out. He had waited so long to say it. Robert turned around, looked at Aaron and began to walk over to him. 

“If I could kiss you, I would. I love you, too.” Robert said sitting next to Aaron. Aaron had never felt more strange, he felt like he was in one huge hallucination. How could he be talking to a ghost? How could he be telling one that he loved them, Aaron never wanted to think of Robert as dead, he didn’t want to accept it because when he accepted it, it would have been real and when it became real, he knew he’d finally have to move on and find someone else, but Aaron didn’t want anyone else, him and Robert had given so much to each other and gone through so much together that without the other, neither of them would function properly, they wouldn’t be the same. They work around each other well, in each other’s presence they’re better and since Robert had been back, well…his ghost. Aaron had been better, he was talking, he was opening up. He was finally letting it all out, he didn’t feel alone, he had someone. 

The one person he knew he’d only ever want.

Aaron and Robert’s next stop was the bridge, the bridge where they’d shared many hugs, they both leant, in the exact same position, arms bent, resting on the ledge and backs arched, watching the river flow. They watched as the river produced the tiniest little waves and how it repeatedly went back and forth.

“Isn’t it amazing…” Robert said, not taking his eyes off the water.

“What?” Aaron said, looking at Robert.

“How even when the water is pushed away, and it goes back in, it always makes the effort to go back and try again because it’s what it has to do. It comes naturally, whether the ground likes it or not, that water wants to be there, to smother it, over and over again.” Robert looked back at Aaron, Aaron got Roberts drift, he knew what Robert was getting at, No matter how many times Aaron would push him, or anyone away, they’d always go back to him because he is good enough, and worth every ounce of effort and love from people even if he didn’t feel it himself.

“Did you really just compare me, to a river?” Aaron said, frowning at Robert.

“Yes, Yes I did.” Robert laughed.

“I missed that laugh so much.” Aaron said, gasping. He turned his whole body so that he was facing Robert. “You were everything to me Robert, honestly. I don’t want to let anyone down by doing this, but you’re the only one who makes me feel the way I want to. I don’t know what it is about you, but you do it for me and if there is a way that I can be with you again, I will take it, no one and nothing anyone will say will stop me.”

“I wouldn’t ever stop you from doing anything you wanted to do if it made you happy, Aaron.” Robert said. “You should know that by now.”

Aaron and Robert stood in silence, now an awkward silence. It was a nice silence, a comfortable silence, Robert had his eyes shut, he was listening to the sounds around him, not being able to hear them like he used to, obviously he was going to miss them. Robert appreciated everything so much more now, he never did when he was alive, he thought they were annoying, the birds tweeting waking him up, he’d of got rid of all of them if he had the chance, now…he’d do anything to be woken up to that sound. 

“Aaron, remember on this bridge…that day you felt like giving up and I told you I believed in you. That was probably one of my favourite moments between us because I saw in your eyes that you believed me and that made you believe in yourself that little bit more, so here I am telling you again, I believe in you, Aaron Dingle. No matter what you do, I know it’ll be right, you’ll be okay. You’ll do what is right for you, and that’s all I want, you are one of the strongest people I know, you prove that to everyone you meet. You’re incredible. You have more strength than you think and you’re way too hard on yourself, look how far you’ve come without me, you fought for every single one of those days, not having me to comfort you. You did it and I’m proud of you, proud to call you mine, proud to know you, proud to have you, and I’m more than proud to love you. You’re everything to me, too.” Robert let it all out, he wanted Aaron to know exactly what he thought, he thought that maybe, if by chance a miracle came along, Aaron would choose to stay, and he wanted Aaron to know exactly how proud he was and how incredible and important he is to Robert. No one in his life compares to him and no one ever could.

Aaron and Robert strolled into the scrapyard together, Robert stopped and observed it, he hadn’t seen it in a while and it had changed so much since he’d last been there. Aaron barely visited since he left his job there. Adam still works there and he’s doing great. It’s got great business and it should be around for a long time to come, as long as Adam sticks to it. 

“This place holds too many memories for us, Aaron.” Robert said, looking at all the scrap metal scattered around the floor. “You know what, whenever I’m here. All I can think of is what I said to you before I was shot, about how you’re weak, boring & all that other crap. I didn’t mean any of it. I’m still so mad that it happened, I never wanted to make you feel like that because if I could give you anything in this life, it’d be the ability to see yourself through my eyes because then you’ll realise how special you are. You’re seriously amazing Aaron, no one compares. I guess another reason I don’t want you to die is because I didn’t choose this for myself, I didn’t want to leave Vic, Diane or you. I would have stayed with you all if I could have, My life was cut short but you have the chance to live a long one, you can do everything I didn’t get to do. That’s all I want, I don’t want you to regret anything, I don’t want you to hate yourself because trust me, when you’re like me, You’re going to watch everyone cry over you, not because you have to but because you’ll want to. You’ll want to see everyone, you’ll want to watch over them and protect them. I watched you, I watched everything you did to yourself and even though I was already dead it killed me. I hated seeing you like that, and that’s what you might see with Chas and Liv, Will you really be strong enough to watch Liv go through that? Will you want to watch her cry over you? See her go in your room and just lay on your bed, so she can remember you? Feel close to you…its awful Aaron, It’s seriously awful, just remember Aaron, you’ve got a broken heart, not a broken life, you’ve got a broken dream, not a broken future, don’t end everything based on what you feel in this moment, you may regret it, and there’s no going back.”

Aaron didn’t reply, he just got up and walked over to all the loose scrap metal and started kicking them, he decided to turn back. 

“Robert….” Aaron turned around, but Robert was gone. He wasn’t there anymore. Aaron scanned the whole perimeter around him but there was still no sign of Robert. He decided to call out again. “Robert, where have you gone?” Aaron started to panic, he was alone again. Robert was nowhere to be seen, had he really left Aaron? Had he really said all that and just left. Aaron began to sob, harder than he has in a long time. He was so used to seeing Roberts face he forgot that he’d have to go back to missing it, whether he liked it or not, after all. Robert wasn’t actually there. He was dead, he was only there as a ghost. One who was sent to help Aaron, he’d done all he could, now it was down to Aaron.

Aaron left the scrapyard in a hurry and just drove, he didn’t know where he’d end up, he just drove. He was in a complete state; crying, gasping for breath, panicking. He didn’t know where to go or who to go to, He didn’t get very far. He had to stop the car and get out, he was about to throw up. He gagged twice before a small but visible amount of vomit came from his mouth. Aaron turned back to get in the car, when he saw in front of him a place that held some of the best, yet steamiest memories he could think of. 

The barn.

He walked over and opened the doors, the smell hadn’t change. It was all muggy and made you cough the moment you stepped foot inside. Aaron walked in further after shutting the door behind him, he sat down on the hay. He remembered every time he was in here, all the kisses he had shared with Robert, the times he spent having sex with Robert there but the meetings he had with Robert there, the ones no one knew about, most of the time they just wanted to meet so that they could see each other, that’s all they wanted. Time. It was cut short, they couldn’t have taken anything for granted more than they did with time. 

Time is precious to those who cherish it, or need it, or don’t have enough of it. It might be worthless to those who fritter it away and waste it. Time moves forward and never stops. Time is infinite in its quest to find an end it will never get to. One second splits, as the next minute is gone. Several hours later, and a day is over. One day carries into another, and soon the weeks pass on. Month after month it all piles up, leading to years. You spend a decade wondering where the time goes, and a generation grows before your eyes.

Aaron got up and looked at the hay. 

“Robert, I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you’re near. I don’t know if I’ve had too much time with you and I’ve lost the chance to see you again, but when I do this. Please be there when I join you, please be ready and waiting for me at the other side. Please don’t hate me for doing this, I’m doing it because it’s what is right. I cannot go on anymore, I need to die. I need to end all this suffering, I can’t fight it anymore. It’s like I’m sick and there’s no treatment to save me, I’ll just get worse and worse and it’ll still lead me to the same outcome. I don’t want that. I want what I want, and it’s this. So, I guess I’ll see you soon.”

Aaron took his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. He created a text and sent it to Liv.

‘Hey Liv, there’s something in my room for you & Chas. When you can, get it. I love you. Always.’

Aaron put his phone down on the hay and rummaged through his pockets and pulled out a lighter... 

Back at the Woolpack, Livs phone went off. It was Aaron, after reading he had something for her in his room, she was confused. Aaron wasn’t one to buy her presents, or Chas. She headed into his room and couldn’t see any boxes with ribbons or puppies with bows on, that’s when she saw them. Two letters. One reading Liv. The other, Chas. She picked them up and she began to cry. She didn’t even know what was inside them but she immediately thought the worst. She ran downstairs.

“CHAS. CHAS PLEASE.” Chas came running through the door.

“What? What is it love?” Chas said grabbing Liv, who was crying. She looked down and saw two letters in Liv’s hands.

“No.” Chas said, taking the one with her name on it. She walked over to the table and sat down. “I don’t want to open it.” Chas said.

“We have to. He might need us, Chas. I need to save my brother if he needs me to.” Liv opened her letter.  
//////////  
To Liv,

I can’t even begin to write this without hating myself, because I really don’t want to say goodbye to you, which is why this letter won’t be one, this letter will be me telling you what I want you to be because I know you’re strong enough, smart enough and good enough to be this way. I want you to never doubt your worth, no matter what anyone says, I want you to believe in yourself and believe that anything you want to do is possible, because it is. I want you to be whoever it is, you want to be because take it from me, when you accept it and allow it, you will have a beautiful life and you deserve a beautiful life, my beautiful Sister. Don’t think about me this way too much, remember me for what I was, with you, the happiest guy around because I really was, I was so happy and you never failed to make me smile. You saved my life so many times without realising, I love you, Liv. I’ll watch over you. 

Big Brother, Aaron. Xxxx  
/////////  
and Chas opened hers…  
/////////  
To Mum, 

When I was younger, we never really got along, I felt like you didn’t want me, but I know now that I was wrong, I know just how much you love me which is why this is so hard for me to write. In life, all a boy wants is a Mum to love them, no matter what, even though I caused you endless trouble and endless problems, you stuck by me, you fought for me and you loved me. & you loving me is all I wanted. When you found out I was gay, you still loved me. Who would want a gay son? Not a Dingle, but you didn’t care about that, all you cared about was me, and my feelings and making sure I’m okay. But I want you to know something, I’m gonna be okay now, because I’m not going to be in anymore pain, I’m not going to hurt myself anymore and I’m not going to be suffering. You taught me so much in the time we had together Mum, you taught me what it was like to truly be loved and accepted for the first time, you mean everything to me.

Lots of love, Your little angel, who really is one now.  
Aaron. Xxx  
/////////

The room was silent. No one spoke. It was so silent that the tears streaming from both Chas and Livs faces were heard hitting the floor. They didn’t even think twice to ask why he was being so strange this morning. They didn’t think he wouldn’t come home. They thought he was a fighter, he was gonna be okay. They thought that Aaron having them was enough. Liv was the first to speak…

“He said I saved him.” Chas looked up. “He said I saved him more times than I’ll ever know….Why couldn’t I save him anymore? Was I really that bad? Does everyone just hate me? Am I not good enough?” Liv broke down and began to scream. Chas ran over to her and wrapped her arms around her. Chas couldn’t cry, she was in disbelief. There was no way, whilst she was sat here, cradling Liv that her baby boy was dead, he couldn’t be. Surely she’d have noticed if he wasn’t doing okay, she’d have known, she was his Mum. 

Was.

Aaron died, alone, in a fire on May 17th 2027.

He was now back, with the one he loved more than his own life, Robert.


End file.
